I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.