im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
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Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
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Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?