On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants