so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING