chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now