Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.