good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
