He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
