my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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