I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
