Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
why do cheetos always look like penises
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
