I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
