3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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