Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
