Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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