Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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