he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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