i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
