Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
home. puking in laundry basket.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
