Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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