I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
