Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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