My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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