Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's never too late to be topless.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
