Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
