I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
