i wish there were pregnant emoticons
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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