the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
