My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
