Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
