I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
