i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
