I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
