i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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