the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
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