I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
