i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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