My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
