Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
