i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
why does every cop we meet know your name?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
