yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
