i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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