Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
