Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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