I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
