I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
