Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
