i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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