How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
