They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
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I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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