peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
