dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
