3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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