I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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