He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
