your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
