my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
