Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
