You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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