Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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