last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
