need another drink. this is the easiest way
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
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